The time is ending yet starting, but this is fine...

I am less than 48 hours away from traveling back across the Atlantic and returning home. This marks the end of my 60-odd days in Germany (ie Europe) but the imminent start of a 6 year journey in New York for my PhD studies. It's a time for reflection, but also relaxation as I spent most of today feeding woodland animals, such as this fuzzy lad.

I don't think there is ever an unawkward yet truthful way to introduce yourself via written words, but I suppose I'll attempt using some of my recent interactions and thoughts about them.

• I had an interesting chat with a lab member who recently completed her Master's degree after watching her be very stressed out for weeks for her thesis defense. We ended up grabbing dinner together that evening, despite us being acquaintances more than friends. Between chatting about family and the headache of travelling in Europe this summer, we landed on the topic of free time. I admitted often feeling guilty about having spare time for myself or even the mere act of not exerting myself to the fullest. She retorted that it was crazy to feel guilty about taking a break. I reached for a defense but could only justify it as a habit from a lifetime of thinking in such a way... Maybe there is no true justification. She certainly seemed happy to have finished her Master's and is taking her own advice to the fullest, jetting off to Paris the next day for a weeklong vacation.
• A few lab members teamed up to teach my lab advisor how to bike. An endeavor she took on at the ripe old age of 27. During the process of pushing her up and down the street, a German lab member and I agreed that it was definitely better to learn these crucial life skills when we were young (I had confessed that I still didn't truly know how to swim properly) and we didn't know to be scared of the consequences of failing. Just as I had nodded my head, the other PhD student ignored my advisor's panicked pleas to not go too fast, practically sprinting behind her as he got her up to speed. To all of our pleased surprise, this was the push she needed, after half an hour of walking her slowly to allow her to place her foot when she felt uncomfortable. Sometime in the middle of the sprint she grasped how to balance and start pedaling properly. She later happily announced to every friend she ran into for drinks afterwards about this accomplishment. For me, I was observing and thinking in her situation how I likely would be more ashamed to not have known how to bike, rather than proud of learning the skill. But why should one choose shame instead of pride, why fear of failing over the possibility of succeeding?
• Over this summer, I've noticed myself becoming more and more introverted. It was a mixture of language barriers and the shortness of my stay at my research lab. However, I had someone managed to make fast friends with everyone in the Indian research lab I joined my freshman summer for approximately the same duration. Right before my senior fall semester, I had chatted to a fellow senior about the pros and cons of focusing on maintaining old friendships instead of fostering new ones giving limited time. At that time, I remember being adamantly in favor of making new friends and reaching out despite the uncertainty of an equivalent return on effort. I argued that friendship should never be reduced to such transactional terms, but I could also sense doubt creeping in about how realistic I was being. Regardless I plowed forward with that determination and made friends with the brand new wing-mates that I had less than a year with. I don't regret that choice as that community turned out to be invaluable to my last year of college. But somehow this summer I turned 180 and prioritized my college friends over my new lab members, putting my head down and headphones in while conducting my experiments and researching weekend trips with old friends. I ended up barely getting to know anyone in the lab, even somewhat feeling alienated from my advisor that I knew from way back in India. But do I feel bad for choosing the comfort of old friends, is bonding a zero sum game, how will I fare in the lonelier world of grad school? I really hope these worries turn out to be unnecessary as I start my PhD with only one acquaintance in the area...

I know this has turned out to be a heavier post than I intended for my intro, but I promise my next one will be way lighter. Perhaps I shall use the pattern of heavy, light, heavy, light, going forward. As an ending, I'll attempt to make an abbreviated intro for those who don't like to meet someone through depressing anecdotes. After thinking long and hard about it, I'm Jenny, a generally confused yet curious human about to start a PhD in the biological science in Manhattan in about a week.

After reading Janice explain her logic for going sans pseudonym, I realized that I've used a bizarre mixture of pseudonyms and my name for my online presence. A Youtube channel where I go by Poof due to my tendency to up and vanish before coming back with new content sporadically. I have an account on Quora where I just went by my real name since it was started before I could critically think about internet privacy or the quality of my writing. I have long-buried Tumblr accounts recounting growing up as a restaurant kid, a Twitter account solely devoted to following winter weather trends for snow days, an Instagram account I use for stalking others. Facebook and Linkedin accounts with my real name as the front-facing social media presence for any perusing employers or friends. But as I imagine only a close circle of friends will be reading this, I might as well just go by my real name, we'll cross the consequence bridge when we get there. That is fine. :)

PS: I originally contemplated going by Jay, the name of my kit-cat. His best talent is living his best life, something I aspire to :P

Recommended content of this post: C-drama Time Seems to Have Forgotten / 被遗忘的时光